Integrity

Just a few days after my last post, "Unemployment," I was contacted about a job opportunity that I had thought was long gone (ironic, huh?). The job is really nearly perfect for me. The hours, the location and the job description are all suited to my life right now. However, there was one caveat: I would have to screen content posted by users of a social networking site, which could expose me to some pretty inappropriate stuff.

I was going to just write it off as a necessary evil and try to work around it. But, thankfully, the woman who I had been in contact about the job really encouraged me to think about it seriously and make sure I would be okay with it. So, I took her advice and spent this last weekend thinking it over and came to the conclusion that I really wouldn't be okay doing that on a daily basis. Although I do believe God would protect my mind and heart if it came to that, I don't need to be putting myself in the line of fire, so to speak.

So, even though I am still unemployed, I am thankful that I didn't give in to accepting an unacceptable job. I kept my integrity, and hopefully God will bless me for that. I have faith that He will provide.

"The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness." -Matthew 6:22-23

Unemployment

Last December I turned 21 years old. Pretty much ever since then, and probably for a while before that, I have been struggling with feelings of failure. You see, I still live at home, have never had a boyfriend, have no job, no car (not even an unrestricted drivers license), and no college education whatsoever.

All of that aside, I do have responsibilites at my parent's home, and my lack of other responsibilities have given me freedom to pursue some things I may not otherwise have time for. I do all of the cooking/baking for the most part, and have been able to develop my skills in that area, especially baking. I have a self-taught working knowledge of the piano and guitar. I even have experience in construction from when we enclosed our carport. All of these things (and much more) are opportunities and experiences that not everyone has or can have.

Even so, I feel so... unaccomplished; unfulfilled.

Money may not be the answer to life's problems, but a lack of it certainly doesn't help. Up until a year ago or so, I didn't really need a job. But the pressure is building, and now that I do need employment, it's nowhere to be found. Ironic? Yes. Fun? No. Lesson? I'm not sure yet.

I know I should be thankful. Not everyone gets to grow up in a truly Christian home, have a Christ-centered education, protected from, but not ignorant of the world and an enemy who would like nothing more than to pull you as far away from God as possible. And I am thankful. Those are all wonderful things that I am truly grateful for. But is it wrong to aspire to even more? The Bible says that Jesus grew in wisdom, stature and favor with God and men. Obviously I want to grow in wisdom and favor with God. But what about man? I know, I'm not supposed to be a people-pleaser or desire accolades from the world. The heart is deceitfully wicked and to listen to it would only lead to darkness.

BUT, that doesn't mean I can't be accomplished. Even Paul had a reputation. Yes, he counted all that he had "accomplished" before encountering Christ as nothing, but after that he maintained a status. He worked to support himself. He administrated. He knew his place in this world, but not of it. Tradition says he spent eight years in Arabia studying. That all has to count for something, right? Should I desire any less?

Yet, I am afraid. Afraid that the right opportunities won't appear, and if they do I will miss them, or be too afraid to take advantage of them. I guess I forget that Jesus is the One who opens doors and no one shuts them and shuts them and no one opens them.

Is that what it all boils down to? Forgetfulness? Lack of faith and trust in God and His promises? Do I simply need to trust in Him for all of my needs and lay my desires at His feet? Why am I asking all of these rhetorical questions that I obviously know the answer to?

--sigh--

I keep on feeling like I'm a failure, and what I don't realize is that I am. Without God I am a complete and utter failure. It's only when I walk with Him and hide His Word in my heart that I can rest in His love and have no fear. My trust and confidence must be in Him and Him alone.

But, because I am so imperfect and forgetful, I know that I will have to remind myself of all these things again in the not-too-distant future. I guess that's just how it works. Even David went through the cycle, from the time he was a young man until he was lying on his deathbed. Despair; realization; peace. It's like we all have incandescant lightbulbs above our heads that periodically burn out, and we're stumbling around in the dark until we (or God) finally replace them.

My, my... What a future to look forward to. At least I'm not alone.

No post yet...

I lost my notes for the post I wanted to write, so, I guess I will just have to think of something else. It's kind of a sad testament to my procrastination. If I had written it when I originally came up with the ideas, I wouldn't have lost the notes and I wouldn't be sitting here writing about it.

Still haven't written that next post...

Time has just been going so fast. I can't believe it's the middle of March!

Anyway, I'm writing this on a super-old laptop that used to be my dad's. Hopefully I'll be able to get some more RAM for it and actually have a useable laptop of my own. Everyone else in my family has one except for me, so it will be nice to finally have some mobility.

I will try to get my head together enough to write my next post. I heard a famous person say something that sparked a barrage of questions and issues I feel I can address. I may have to split up the posts, though, because the topics are a bit complicated and intertwined with so much of life. I can't think about it all right now, though. I don't know why it's been so hard to focus. I love to write, but it often feels like hard work. I wish the things I love to do came more naturally.

Enough of that. I'm rambling now, so I'll stop.