Eternal Life Day-By-Day

Excerpts from
Comfort, the Feeble-minded
(Consolation for People Who Do Dumb Things)
~-~
An Autobiography by Ray Comfort

Dumb Mutt

It was some time in the early hours of the morning in July of 1995. We had bought a new home and the move had been an opportunity to break our new puppy of the habit of sleeping in our bed. However, in the blackness of the night I could see the dumb dog lying on the pillow next to me. I had just awoken from a deep sleep, and a thousand thoughts raced through my dozy mind as to why this pup would be back in bed with us.

I reached out my hand and stroked the animal, but felt confused. Its fur seemed a little strange. As I extended my hand to touch it again, to my horror it began to levitate! In the eerie darkness, I could see the animal's entire body actually lifting itself up off the pillow and into the air.

I regained my composure, apologized to my wife Sue for stroking her hair during the night, and went back to sleep, feeling rather stupid.

Oops!

A pastor in Southern California was asked to visit a woman named Margaret, in the hospital. Although she was able to speak with him, she was gravely ill. Therefore it was no surprise to him to have someone call a few days later and say, "Margaret died today, could you take the funeral?"

At the service, the pastor spoke kindly of the woman, giving a little background about her moving from the East Coast to live in California many years ago. This was something he did regularly at funerals. It was an "added touch"-a special gifting he had to comfort relatives by reviving warm memorials of the person who had died.

During this time, he noticed that some of the family members were whispering to each other. As he ended his comforting sermon, he casually walked over to the casket and to his horror, saw that is wasn't the woman he visited in the hospital! It was another Margaret who had died.

As relatives quietly filed out the door, he shook their hands and gently whispered, "I'm sorry," to each one.

Flaws of Doors

I spoke in a church one Sunday morning, then spent the afternoon with a couple whose church I was to speak at that night. I had stayed in hundreds of homes, but usually for one or two days rather than just one afternoon.

After a relaxing time in their living room, just before we left for the church meeting, I decided I would use their bathroom. I walked across the living room to the hall door, casually opened it to find the man's wife standing at the end of the bed in her underwear!

There was a scream like you've never heard, then I pulled myself together, stopped screaming, apologized and closed the door.

The hall and bedroom doors were identical and side-by-side, and I had opened the wrong one.

The Painful Tooth

I had just purchased a new special toothbrush that was supposed to remove plaque from the teeth. I had been using it for two days and was waiting to see radical results.

As I went passed the pantry, I put my hand into a container and scooped up six or seven M&M's, and sat down next to my wife. When I bit into the first one, there was strong metallic taste in my mouth. The next bite was worse. Sue looked concerned. She had read that the new toothbrush could cause a slight metallic taste in the mouth. I reached in and pulled out about half an inch of silver filling from my mouth-a slight metallic taste?...the new brush was making my fillings fall out, or at lest ripping the tops off them! This was going to cost a fortune in dental bills, not to mention the pain of drilling old fillings out to replace them with new ones.

I was beginning to have second thoughts about my new toothbrush, when I pulled another "filling" out of my mouth. It turned out I had been chewing on some Hershey's Kisses silver paper, which had been in the container with the M&M's.

Guest Speaker

Many buildings lack ventilation. Couple this with heaters doing their thing on a cold day and the atmosphere becomes the ideal place for many to nod off. So, before I spoke to a gathering of about 150 people, I crept around four large gas heaters and turned each of them off. After all, I care about the welfare of my listeners.

About thirty minutes later, I noticed that I was becoming rather light-headed. It was then that a gentleman stood to his feet and said, "I think that we are all being slowly gassed to death!" He was right. There was a gentle hissing sound coming from one heater that the gassed speaker hadn't quite switched off.

Location, Location

I had been given directions to New Life Center in Halswell, where I was to speak at a Sunday evening service.

On the Sunday night at about 6:50 p.m., I was driving along Halswell Road when I saw lights on in a building and cars parked outside. As I entered, I glanced into the room to make sure is wasn't a service group or scout meeting. A group of people were obviously readying themselves for the service, with one young man putting transparencies on an overhead projector for the singing. It was obviously the right place. I then look for the pre-service prayer meeting. It was being held in a back room, so I quietly joined in with a feeling of excitement.

At seven o'clock someone ended the prayer meeting, then suddenly all eyes were on me! I greeted them, then asked, "New Life Center Halswell?" and received the startling reply, "No, Saint Luke's!" It turned out that New Life Center was two hundred yards down the road-I was at the wrong church!

Three days later, I was in another city staying in a block of apartments with some friends. At 10:30 that evening I arrived home somewhat exhausted after the meeting. My friends had kindly left the back door unlocked and the light was on to illuminate my path.

I opened the door, then carefully fastened the three locks on the inside and make my way to the bathroom. I stood there astounded that these people were able to renovate that bathroom in such a short time. Then it struck me-I was in the wrong apartment! I could hear voices coming from up the hallway, so I sneaked down the hall, quietly unbolted the back door and slipped out.

A Good Turn

I once made a 15-foot long wooden seat for the inside of a bus I purchased. I was thrilled that for a change everything had worked out fine. Then I turned my energy to the seating to go along the wall on the other side of the bus. I determined that I wasn't going to blow it, so I did everything identical to the first one. I had made an exact replica, knowing that I couldn't go wrong if I did so. It was only when I picked it up to turn it around to fit against the other wall that I realized my little error. There was a "clunk!" sound as it hit the wall of the bus. The seat was 15 feet long, but the bus was only about 10 feet wide and I couldn't turn the seat around.

I loved that bus. We put Bible verses around the outside and painted a large picture of a man in a coffin on the back of the bus. Piled around him were masses of money, and the words, "What shall it profit a man, if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul," under it. For some reason we didn't get too many tail-gaiters.

It was a big bus. In fact, it was so big, I steered the tings while Sue worked the pedals. One day I was driving through the city and found that it was so big, I couldn't get it around a corner. I carefully checked the rear view mirrors and backed up. It was then that I heard a sound I will never forget. It was a high pitched "Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne!" with a "scrrrraaaaape" following it. I checked my mirrors again. Nothing there...and drove forward. Again I heard the mystifying "scrrrraaaaape" noise, so I pulled around the corner to check what I thought was something dragging under the bus. Suddenly, there was a feverish knock on the door. I opened it and saw a young man with a pale face. He had been parked directly behind the bus in a very small car, when a coffin with "What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul," began heading towards him. He honked his car horn "Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne!" as the bus scraped across the hood of his car taking the corpse, the coffin and the scripture right up to his windshield. Poor man.

Ill-mannered Caller

I had to call a T-shirt company on an 800 number, so I quickly looked at the number, and wrote it in my diary.

It was typical Murphy's Law. The very second I got through to the T-shirt company, our 800 number rang on another line. I cut my call off, and answered the other line only to find that the caller had hung up the phone. I decided to change location, and asked Sue if she would get the phone if it rang while I was on the other line.

Typical. The second time I got through, our phone rang again, but fortunately Sue ran to answer it. It must have been the person who hung up in my ear a minute earlier Some people are so ill-mannered.

Just then, someone answered at the T-shirt company. What was my wife doing answering their phone? I had transposed our 800 number into my diary.

Ray Who?

I called a friend to tell him that I had a bad throat and couldn't speak at a Bible study. My voice was a little feeble, and because I had more speaking engagements I thought it would be wise to cancel a local Bible study. I would just be a simple matter of telling my friend Jimmy that I couldn't make it, and I knew he would understand my position.

When someone else answered the phone and said Jimmy wasn't around, I asked him to get him to call me. He said, "Who's speaking please?" I feebly said, "Ray Comfort." He said, "Who?"--"Ray Comfort." He said, "Ray Thompson?" I said, "No, Comfort."--"Comlin?" I squeaked "Comfort." He said, "Oh...Ray Tumlan...O.K."

I have in the past been introduced as Ray Columbus, referred to as Roy Cornfoot, Frank Beauford, Ray Crawford, Ray Comform, Ray Crumfort, Ray Counsellor, Ray Comb, Ray Confast, and Bob. I have even received mail for Roy Compost, so I gave up and said, "Thanks. Bye."