The Marriage Factor

(Originally published Sunday, January 01, 2006)

The main difference between dating and courting is marriage: when "mainstream" dating, the goal is not usually to find your future husband/wife. Obviously, there are many people who consider themselves to be "dating" someone else and are also looking for the potential marriage factor. But, this isn't typical dating.

Those who say that the only dating people who are advocates of courtship talk about is secular and centers around pre-marital sex are wrong. There are many other aspects of dating that contrast to what affects your marriage later in life. Even only completely pure relationships can result in comparison problems, meaning that you will be contrasting the pros and cons of every past relationship to your present one.

Aside from the marriage aspect of courting, the other main difference is family. When you date someone, you typically take them out someplace to be alone. However, when you court someone, you typically would spend more time with the entire family. This strengthens your relationship as a whole. This means you aquire acceptance from your future spouse's family. You become part of his/her family. Spending time with your prospective mate in a group setting also virtually eliminates the temptation factor. Not to say that you won't have temptations, you will just not be able to carry them out.

Spending too much time alone with someone you are dating/courting will enivitably lead to some breach of purity, whether it's the rules you have laid out in advance for yourselves, the parent's rules, or God's rules. Think about it; when you are finally married to whoever it is you have chosen, do you want to have a good relationship with the family you will be spending birthdays, holidays, etc. with? Do you want them to be confident that they have let their child marry the right person? What about the relationship between the two families? If both families know that you have been pure and faithful (which can only come by witnessing you interacting and getting to know eachother) there will not be a trust issue. You will have the complete endorsement from your families.

There is a book called, "Choosing God's Best." I haven't read the entire book yet, but it gives som many contrasts from dating and courting.

One other thing: when we get emotionally involved with someone that we end up not marrying, it leaves a scar. On a previous post I talked about a man I know who has been in several relationships, and he never went past kissing, but the scars remain because he didn't know them well enough to see that they either had a past, or were going to create one. He didn't get to know their families, he didn't present his ideals and plans for marriage first. And now, he is virtually incapable of sanely going about finding a relationship. He is spouting hopelessness, because he has saved himself for 30 years for a pure woman, and there are so few out there, and because the ones that are would not accept him because of his mindset. He wants a moral woman, not a godly woman. That is the problem with dating; it leads to moral thinking without God.

Marriage is supposed to be patterned after Christ and the church. How many must we court before we find "Mr. Right?"

I am 17 years old, and it frightens me to think of breaking someone's heart, or having my heart broken, because I dove into a relationship without God's guidance. I don't believe God would have me date or court a dozen men (or even 3) before finding His man for me. Not if I am seeking His will, His plans.

My sister was lucky (no, blessed) to have married the first man she courted at 18 years old. They read the Josh Harris books together before they were engaged. We need to get over the terms "dating" and "courting" and just do what God says.

I really think we need to find a new term for biblical preparation and relating before marriage. Never should a Christian "shop around" for their soul-mate. Never. So many so-called moral people get caught in promiscuity. It's so saddening. But, most of all, think about God's sadness. These are His children being hurt because of their lack of willingness to follow a guideline because of a stupid name, courtship.

Get over it. If there is really an aspect of the kind of courtship that offends you, find out if it's biblical, and decide your own rules based on what God has already told us about it.

Why are we allowed to say that there are different kinds of dating, but not different kinds of courting?

Look and see the double standard. Pray and find out for yourself. What is God's will for you?

Oh yes, to those who say courting is only for adolescants and young adults: Is it any less a sin to commit adultery at 30 than 18? Do you thnk that the idea that the older you are the more capable of making your own decisions leads to independance from God and family? Is that right? Why did Jesus say that faith like a child's is a good thing? Are there more or less promiscuous adults than teens? Are there many young Christians who are far more mature in their faith than older Christians?

If Jesus is Lord of your life, no matter how old you are, His way is the right way. Search your heart and God's Word to find the answer.