White Pants

Who in the world can wear white? I certainly can't. Between ink, food, dirt and life in general, something will inevitably mar the pure visage of an all-white shirt. Don't even get me started on white pants.

But I want to be one of those girls who can flounce around carefree in a white summer dress. Riding a bike or just walking down the boardwalk as though nothing could happen.

That's just not who I am. I am the person who wonders if I look like a freak because someone asks me if I need any help at the grocery store. I feel the gazes of people following me as I try to nonchalantly navigate the tables of baked goods and aisles of canned vegetables. I can't be that freakish! Do I look angry? I try to soften my expression, crack a joke. It doesn't help. Why won't people leave me alone?

"You look good," says my mom. "Really?" I look in the mirror. "You look healthy, and happy." I had just been watching some funny videos of cats doing stupid things. That would be it. Maybe I should always watch stupid cat videos before I go out in public. I must always be wearing a scowl or something.

Maybe today I'll wear a dress. I don't have a white dress, but I do have a cute spring dress. It needs a belt or something. Do I have one that isn't too big or too small? Safety pin it is. What shoes can I wear? No sandals allowed at work, or bare shoulders. Ankle boots and a crop sweater. Looks a little strange, but, that's what you get working in an office.

"You look really nice today," says my fiance. Of course, I wear a dress and I automatically "look nice." I feel bloated and out of shape. Nothing like the pictures on Facebook of when I climbed the highest peak in New Mexico or worked 10 hours a day in the fresh air. To be tan and fit again. By October? I guess it could happen. If I'm going to get married this year something has to change.

Hungry. Nutella or carrot sticks? Coffee or water?

All of the above. Mistake.

It's 6:10 pm. Family will be expecting dinner by 7. Nothing is prepped. I'd be happy with a bowl of cereal. That's just me.

Remember when I used to read books? How long has it been, over a year now? Even my Bible lays neglected on the shelf by my bed. I try to justify not reading every day. Don't I already know enough to get by? I'll study it again someday. Yes, I really do want to read Isaiah and do word studies and look up the original Hebrew. Someday. Just not today. Not while I'm working and cleaning and cooking and waiting and wishing that things were different.

Inaction would be easier if I didn't know better. I never regret stepping out and doing something out of faith. Worst case, it's a lesson learned. Likely case, it's an experience I'll never forget. Best case, it will determine the course for the rest of my life.

Investment; time, money, brainpower, words. They all have a return, but of what? What kind of return does watching silly cat videos give? What kind of return will this give? Will it just sit in My Documents for me to read at some point in the future and feel guilty for not following through? Or will I make it into something more, post it somewhere? Who knows. I have to go make dinner.